me and chuck

me and Chuck Brown at Zengo discussing the finer points of go-go.

Fake Tits

i just sat a table this evening with 3 girls that all had fake breasts. i've never even met a girl before with fake breasts let alone talked to them or poked them. it was a sort of cultural exchange i told them after they said about 5 times throughout the evening that i must hate them or think they are nuts. i was totally engaged in questioning them about their experiences under the knife and throughout their 5 laser treatments to become hairless creatures and their typical day of downing "energy pills" to keep them going through their 16 hour a day sales jobs. so i don't know what prompted them to continually feel the need to apologize for themselves around me. To me it was intriguing like a anthropological study.

this is Phoenix apparently.

two guys who eventually got enough balls to approach the table of 4 Dcups and 1 B, (only 2 of which were real), found out that I was from out of town and let out a relieved cry of "oh and east coaster! where are you from?" i responded with "DC and by the way these are real." The girls couldn't get enough of my "quickness" as they referred to it. They told me that 90% of their friends have fake tits and they have referred 16 girls to their surgeon. the guys told me that in the past 5 years phoenix has totally changed with the "LA influence" and become very plastic. They have to go at least 45 minutes outside the city to find "normal" girls. One said that within the first 90 seconds of conversation most women manage to hone in on your financial history. One girl he said he dated a few times texted him for the spelling of his middle name. Confused about the motive, he called to clarify. Only to find out from his buddies that it is very common for women to run credit checks on their dates.

I don't want to generalize about all of phoenix but there is definitely a contingency of plasticos in Scottsdale aka Snottsdale. i mean they valet park their lamborghinis in the suburban strip malls.

i just don't get it.

Alley 9th and O

in the alley outside OneWorld Studios

worst.blog.ever

this is the worst blog ever. im considering just posting pictures.

Log Log

I like this picture.
I like pork-chops.
I like to poop.
I like things that look like pork-chops that like to poop.

My youngest nephew was recently potty trained. He used to hate to poop, but now he loves to as the act brings with it great reward - tootsie pops, starbursts, etc. He is very particular about this act. If he is on the pot no one is allowed to look at him, or be near him. He needs total silence. He needs privacy. I've been told that when he leaves his chamber, there is always a description of what is left behind. Recent reports include a snowman standing next to grapes, or a brown popsicle. Perhaps someone should keep a Log 'Log?'

An Ode to Adriana

An Ode to Adriana
by Carnivorous

Adriana, you remind me of a piranha.
You tear through my heart,
like you would an innocent carp.
Despite the intense pain when you pierce my flesh,
This to me is an ideal death.
I would drown myself in your sea,
just to get a glimpse of thee.
We share more in common than you think,
since we both like our feasts pink.
So shall we make it a date?
And test our carnal fate?

Sign In Stranger

Have you heard about the boom on Mizar Five
People got to shout to stay alive
They don't even have policeman one
Doesn't matter where you been or what you've done
Do you have a dark spot on your past
Leave it to my man he'll fix it fast
Pepe has a scar from ear to ear
He will make your mug shots disappear

You zombie
Be born again my friend
Won't you sign in stranger

Do you like to take a yo-yo for a ride
Zombie I can see you're qualified
Walk around collecting Turkish union dues
They will call you sir and shine your shoes
Or maybe you would like to see the show
You'll enjoy the Cafe D'Escargot
Folks are in a line around the block Just to see her do the can-can-Jacques

You zombie
Be born again my friend
Won't you sign in stranger

Love or leave her, yellow fever
Sure, it's all in the game
And who are you
Just another scurvy brother

You zombie
Be born again my friend
Won't you sign in stranger

-donald fagen and walter becker

An Ode to Mary

An Ode to Mary
by Carnivorous

Mary o Mary, you look oh so sweet as you sleep.
It reminds me of why my diet is made up primarily of meat.
I know you are probably far away in this internet world,
And long distance relationships generally don’t work out.
But girl you quench my thirst like a spam smoothie,
And with you on my menu, I’m at risk of gout.
There are plenty of kamikaze girls out there,
But of the bunch you far surpass.
There aren’t too many that can satisfy my carnal needs,
But you Mary, I'd say you pass.

Brief History of Ultimate in Israel

A dispatch from Israel....from MC John Gattorn

The First game of ultimate in Israel was in 1976. This guy named Avi brought it at that time.  Avi has ulcerative Colitis, and enjoyed by Crohns scar. From 1976 to 2005 I guess people just started learning ultimate.
There are now 9 teams in Israel, which means at any one time there can only be 63 people playing ultimate. The two team names I am aware of are the Holly Landers and the Disc Dragons.  They all know eachother very well, and play with eachother every time, all the time. The first ever National Ultimate Championships was this year. They have the same rules, but they yell at you in
Hebrew so I never knew what the hell the play was.

All I heard was KHHH KHHHH KHHHH, john take the fat kid.  KKKHHH KKKHHHHHK KKHHHHH PICK!  KHHH KHHH KHHH don't break force.  KKKHHH KKKHHHH KKHHHH AWAY AWAY
AWAY.  KKHHH KHHH KHHH JOHN, who are you covering? KHHK KHHH KKKKKKHH where are my popperZ?  KKHH KHHH, John you CLOG KHH!

Subs rotate in an orderly fashion.  They pick rotations, and you must follow it.  Basically when
there are allot of people, there are chosen sets and everyone plays two points and sits out one point, which is fine by me cause it is fucking HOT here. THey are quite patient with the disc and only throw deep when someone is open (which to Shaolin is a new concept).

In typical universal pick up cultural, many people get looked off harder than a prostitute with open lip sores.  A few people get the disc, but I didn't hold it against them.  They threw to me a few times.
They invited me back next week.  Overall, good stuff!

Little Plastic Babies

Pretty cool.

http://www.xmarkjenkinsx.com/storker.html

Cmon, you never fucked a piece of fruit?

An auspicious way to launch a blog thats for sure. And by launch I mean blast off, a blog wih a bullet, like straight to the top of that top layer of blogging effluent. Its found near drains, and pipes, and places where too many substances intermingle. You know what I mean, too. Its that unclassified layer that always evokes a morbid curiosity. Its all foamy, but a strange loose foam, usually tan, and speckled with little black bits of crap. But there are chunks too, and thats when it gets weird. How does that shit stay suspended in such an airy, grotesque confection? That guy from Atlantico who works with PopRocks couldnt reproduce this stuff. And hes got like, a team of guys, and LOTS of poprocks. Theoretically they should be able to do almost anything right? And dont forget the sheen (im back to that layer again, you know the one), its got a rainbow quality to it, but the mutant air coolant green stands out. No pot of gold at the end of it though, so dont go digging . You just have to appreciate it for what it is. A chaotic suspension of natures outcasts that somehow meet in harmony. Yeah, this blog is gonna be that chunk. Faceted but amoeba like, unaffected by the torrent beneath it. Oh yeah, this is gonna be huge, and completely inconsequential. VDC is going to have those shitty adbanners on the right too. All pro. No expense will be spared to bring you (and by you i mean my 5 friends) all the ammenties youve come to expect from a modern day blahhhhg. There will be photos. Only the hottest flicks from the previous nights activities will be shared. The ones of me and my crew chillin at the club, at exclusive art openings, and backstage getting blowies from cokewhores who think we're with the band. But some of them will be lowlight and blurry, just to show you where we're coming from. What you dont realize yet is that my whole crew is in that layer too. Another chunk, and even some of the foam. Cause really, the foam is whats up. Chunks are cool, but the foam holds it all down. Its the binder, the plasma, that slurry of necessity that keeps it real. So lets see, adbanners, check. Pics from the nite before of me and my incredibly cutting edge people kickin it, check. Oh, and dating tips. Yeah we're gonna have great advice on how to make the move on your boss, or your girlfriends best friend, or that slag at the end of the bar. Yup, its all gonna be here. Shout outs too. MAD SHOUT OUTS, cause thats how we roll. Yeah....DC Devo Devotee Deep Dick Collective IN THA HIZZZZOWSE!! First shout out right there. As promised. (sidenote: if you are interested in joining the DC DDDDC, please check CraigsList evey nine minutes for screening opportunites in your hood) We will tap our sources on the Hill to assure you are privy to the latest updates on stem cell research and avian flu. You will be entertained and in the loop, at precisely the same time. Worried about that fire shootin out your dick? Call our helpline. You want to rent a car by the hour with a silly name? No problem. We got you covered. Looking for the cheapest, coldest glass of water in the city? We def got that. This isnt a blog, this is life. Curious as to the state of coral reefs in Peurto Rico? Right here bitch. Ever wonder what a protein bolus is? Our experts in the field can explain, step by step, with diagrams. And we got nitelife locked down too. These will all be events that you, the reader, have no hope of being invited to but will want to read about the next day, or whenever we sober up enough to write about it. Im talking about projection movie night on the patio featuring killers like End of the Century, The Story of the Ramones, or Home Alone2. Or how about Pool Pond Party Point 1. How can you, the reader, possibly live another day not knowing what went down in the kiddie pool on Euclid? We'll be crashing the VIP at IndeBleu and updating you on the lifestyles of DC's sweetest poseurs. Even the bartendresses at Asylum will be clocked. Its all foam and chunks im telling you. We're naming bands after long gone colors of spraypaint, like Hot Raspberry and Jungle Green. We chew new flavors of gum conspicously packaged like a drug and bursting with appliciousness and undefinable sparkly goodness. We drink tall glasses of scrapple for breakfast, strong body strong mind. We plan, but dont execute, elaborate DJ/Rap sets that celebrate klassic kuts from the 80s w/ sweet new jams by bands like Big Timers (shout outs to the Bonobos buooyyeeeeeee!). We shut the lights out at your weak houseparty. We ride around town with megaphones and we're not working for Larouche. We'll tell you why the Black cat is just not that cool. We're bringing the word "stuff" to prominence over the word "thing" AND redefining it as a bad word. We build bathrooms the size of your master bedroom to stay so fresh and clean. We got reps from Nice Kanistan to Titaly, and summer in Papa New Bangy. We're an emulsifier of conflict and pleasure, of desire and rejection, of kool aid and kangos, of success and complacency, of phat and beats.

If you dont know, you better ask somebody.

Or not. I only wrote this shit because a couple of friends (associates is probably more accurate) didnt believe I had a blog. So now im turning it over to them to contribute posts that live up to the agenda described rather erratically above.

With that I close this post. Get your recommended daily allowance.

And no I never fucked a piece of fruit.

EBRG SUX

its true